I think with my last case, I had to go back to prison, and this was so hard for me. The reason is that it is not on the outside. Yes, I made some choices to stay faithful and always be humble. With that comes great responsibility towards one’s life, and doing that is so hard knowing that I am going back to prison.
Adjusting to prison life
Going on the outside to be back within those four walls took me back to my old life, and it was like the wolf inside of me wanted to come back and just throw everything away. Back on the outside, like I said, I made a choice. I think the worst part of going back to prison was not about what would happen to me but what would happen to my kids at home. I know that they look up to me and that they love me just as I love them.
I should break my habit of thinking about it, and with being back behind bars, it’s like all that I worked for during 10 years will be for nothing. And all the people that stood by me through this difficult time, how should they look at me, and what will they think of me? Yes, it can lead to trouble inside because of my mind and that most of the people I left in prison are still inside, so I have to keep my head up.
The return
Back in the same room that I was initially tried in, the same room where I found interest in the number and for an ex-gang member, do you know how hard it is not to want to go back to the number? I think as I enter that room, I get the exact smell I did on my first time in prison. And just that is enough to make you crazy because all of it is starting all over again, and that is one of the things that kept me on the positive side, not wanting to be here and that I know there is a light ahead.
Reflection
Since on the outside, I think that the time takes the longest to pass because I came back so early and right around the time, I just could not come to terms with it so that time may pass and so that I may go back home. It took hours before getting dark, and even hours before it became light the next day. And I’m lying on my bed thinking about what I did wrong and how I could have changed it into something better that kept on playing in my mind.
Inside prison, all one can do is to think and to never stop thinking about what one did wrong. I think with all the activities of gang life in prison, you need a plan for your future. If you are part of a gang inside, my help would be if not joining a gang inside.
Prison realities
There are three things in prison that I don’t like. Number one is to be locked up and not come to do anything about it. It just takes more away from one as a human and makes you think less about yourself. Number two is the wardens because they are full of crap, and they don’t even care about a prisoner. Okay, but not all of them are the same, and some of them are good at heart. Number three is the food; it is not what a human should eat. Yes, it is food, but not all of us love what is given to us, and most of the people tell them to put it all there.
Final thoughts
I think that for those few hours to pass was so long, and I just could not wait for the next day to come and just get out of that place. It’s a wonder how some of the other people can go in and go out, and just a few days later that person is back in prison. For me, if I can stay away from it, I’m glad to do so.
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